Say What You Mean

Breaking Through Bad Faith Communication

What if I told you that everyone you love is lying to you all the time, and that you're doing the same to them?

Everyone claims they value honesty, yet the average conversation is filled with deception. Not grand lies or malice, but incongruence between feelings and thoughts. People commonly say one thing while their emotions scream another. They project the illusion of being a rational mature adult with arguments that don't match their real feelings of fear, anger, insecurity or spite. And in that disconnect between words and intentions they create a distortion field where misunderstanding, frustration, and chronically unmet needs proliferate. Mediocre.

This isn't a rare event, it’s a semantic epidemic. People use words to mask their real feelings, and then get frustrated when they don't get what they really wanted. Why does this happen? And more importantly, what's the cost of living in a world where everyone is lying to themselves and others nearly all the time?

Imagine someone says to you, "I don't understand how anyone could ever vote for that psychopath!" On the surface it sounds like they're baffled, as if they're really seeking to understand how others could act in a way so foreign to them. But if we're honest, they don't want to understand. More likely they're just scared and angry and looking for someone to validate their feelings. But that's not the truth that's reflected in their words. And this is the essence of bad faith communication: saying one thing when you really mean another, often because the truth feels too raw or petty to admit.

The Layers of Bad Faith Communication

Communication involves at least two layers: what we say and what we mean. Take the person who exclaims they "don't understand" why others behave a certain way. If you take them them literally on good faith and begin to explore the perspectives of the person in question, this usually just results in more frustration. Why? Because they didn't really want to understand another perspective, they were after validation. They wanted a mirror for their fear and anger, not clarity and insight. This misalignment between words and intentions creates confusion and conflict.

Why do people do this? Because most are terrified that being honest — truly honest — would reveal something unpleasant: they'd have to own up to being petty, fearful, or even hateful. Their language is projecting the illusion of a compassionate and intelligent adult. But they're sidestepping their own shame by feigning curiosity when they are really anything but. This creates a standard where nearly everyone is misdirecting themselves and others, and in the end nobody grows, and the real needs go fulfilled.

Experiment 1: Literal Listening

Try taking someone at face value. When someone says they "don't understand," assume they mean it and offer an explanation. Observe how they react. If they become defensive or more upset, then you are witnessing firsthand the disconnect between what they say and what they actually want.

The Price of Incongruence: A Society Starved of Truth

When we make a habit of hiding our true intentions, we create a culture of bad faith — a place where people are speaking all the time, but real communication is rarely taking place. Whether this is intentional or not doesn't matter, because an environment like this is like a garden starved of sunlight. Honest communication is the nourishment that allows relationships and societies to grow. When we twist or distort that, when we obscure our real truth under layers of self-deception and shame, we end up in a world that is perpetually stunted and unable to thrive.

Imagine society as a garden, where our deeper emotional truths are like sunlight. If we cover that garden with layers of distortion, letting only fragments of sunlight through, it becomes toxic, deprived of the essential clarity it needs to flourish. People grow resentful, suspicious, and disconnected. They nurture mistrust and doubt in themselves and others. The potential for true understanding and growth is strangled.

Experiment 2: Self-Examination for Incongruence

Look at a moment in your life where you've said something you didn't really mean, a time when you hid your real feelings and intent behind a projection of maturity. What were you really trying to say? How did this misrepresentation of your real desires effect the outcome?

Practicing Good Faith Communication: Saying What You Mean

So what does honest communication look like? It's about aligning your logical words with your emotional truth. To do this you need both self-awareness and love, because you must be willing to actually look deeper and acknowledge your real feelings and desires without judgement, no matter how petty or immature they might seem. When you feel fear or frustration, just acknowledge it, without hiding behind blame or vague language. Own what you actually want. Imagine if instead of saying, "I don't understand," someone admitted, "I'm terrified that this person's ideas could shape the future in a way I can't accept, and I'm pissed off at the people that support it." Wouldn't that actually feel nice to hear? That's authenticity. And it's rare.

Aligning what you say with what you feel takes courage. When you drop the facade, you risk exposing your insecurities and the childish reactive parts of yourself. But so what? If you are afraid of the judgement of others, it's only because you are judging yourself. But in being compassionate and honest with yourself and others, you create space for real connection. And by modeling this kind of authenticity you set a higher standard for those around you.

Experiment 3: Practice Aligned Expression

Choose a situation each day to say exactly what you feel, even if it's uncomfortable. Align your words with your emotions, and observe how this impacts your interactions.

The Path to Paradise

If we're going to create a world which reflects our longing for paradise on earth, we have to start with ourselves. It's the only thing we have direct control over. Good faith communication requires that we first acknowledge the places that we're hiding, judging, and masking our deeper feelings with socially acceptable projections. Without this self-awareness, there's no hope for authentic connection. And without authentic connection, there's no hope of transcending our own stupidity.

This isn't easy work. It requires a willingness to be seen as imperfect, to admit to feelings that might seem petty or immature. But this is the path to a world that thrives on clarity and honesty. A world where we can have real adult conversations.

So here's your challenge:

For one week, interpret everything you say and hear literally. Assume nothing. Pay attention to the places where what you say doesn't match how you feel. Notice when others do the same. If something feels off, don't let it slide. Question it, even if only in your mind, and ask yourself what you or the other person is really trying to say. I said ask, don't tell. You don't need to be an asshole about this, simply use your intuition to look deeper into both yourself and others. And where appropriate, check it out to see if it's accurate.

Language shapes consciousness, so practice elevating your language to reflect the deeper reality. When you embrace this level of honesty, you're not just changing your communication — you're reshaping the entire world around you. This is how we create a world where everyone can eventually flourish in their full potential, nourished by the light of truth.

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions then honesty is the path to paradise. May the curiosity be with you.